A Healing Swim in the Nile

It was supposed to be the trip I had always dreamt of — to EGYPT! A place I had been fascinated with since I was a young child. My dad loved all things Egyptian with books all around the house about the pharaohs and how to read hieroglyphs. When King Tut’s Exhibit came to Seattle, we went as a family. I had entertained the idea of becoming an archeologist too, this was how intrigued I was about discovering ancient civilizations.

I had spent significant time in east and southern Africa but finally I booked a trip to Egypt for January 2019. And after four years together, my partner and I were going to become engaged while sailing down the Nile. It was a dream in motion.

What happened next was indescribable and incomprehensible to me.

It had been two weeks of being totally shut out by my soon to be fiance. I had no idea what was happening but decided to give him space and patiently await when he was ready to talk. When we finally took a walk along Lincoln Park, he said quite easily and with a smile, “I’ve bought a house and I am moving out.”  It arrive as an energetic punch in the gut, I mean I literally doubled over in pain, all the breath knocked out of me.

How did we move from him saying, “I love you more than you can ever imagine”  with plans to become engaged — to him suddenly moving out? He provided no explanation and immediately began to press me about paying him out of the house we had refinanced together.  The house I had raised my two kids in for 20 years.

The rug was pulled out from right underneath me, and I was falling in complete disorientation.  I had already paid the non refundable deposit for both of us and now I was conflicted about the trip. I was in a complete state of shock and didn’t know what to do. 

Eventually after slipping into the depths of despair, confusion and sadness,  I made the decision to go to Egypt anyways.  As a solo traveler on a double occupancy trip, I had been paired up with a wonderful woman who I adored.  This was a gift.  I would say that this was also the moment when the illusions of my life began to come down. He was not who I thought he was, what happened?  I wanted to push it away and not see it, not feel it, not believe it. It was a new depth of devastation than I had ever experienced before. 

There were two psychotherapists on the trip one who I knew and one who I’d just met.  I remember the first conversation was on a long bus ride when one of them asked me, “So, what’s going on with you?”  I described the devastation, confusion and trauma of not really knowing what the hell had happened, only that I was here on this trip alone, without the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life. 

She looked at me directly and said, “He sounds like a covert narcissist.” I had absolutely no idea what a covert narcissist was my look of confusion lead her to explain. “These are the narcissists that show up as either the hero or the victim, they fly under the radar of the overt narcissists. They love-bomb you, giving you everything you want and more, then when you begin to see through their mask, they will abruptly discard you and find another supply. You are kind, compassionate and empathetic, a perfect victim for this kind of cruel.”

At this point in our journey, we were on the Afandina Yacht sailing down the Nile. I asked Ahmed, our escort, if there is a place that I could swim in the Nile. I have always loved to swim in bodies of water all around the world and suddenly I was clear that I needed to purify my heart, mind, body and soul by jumping into the river Nile. “You really want to swim in the Nile?” he asked, as if it wasn’t a ‘thing’! “Yes,I really do” I answered.

So, he alerted me a few days later at a spot where he said it was safe (no crocodiles) and a good place for a swim. I put on my swimsuit, took a deep breath and jumped off the boat into the river. I swam around the boat and then treaded water. I imagined opening up and release all of the toxic hurt from this man who had taken advantage of my nature. I felt so much sadness and pain for my children and for his children who I had come to love. I just let all that shit go, known and unknown. I let the energy release and release and release into the Nile. I was probably in the Nile for about 45 minutes, feeling completely and totally supported in a deep purification.

And this was only the beginning of all the illusions coming down in my life

It was months after my trip when I was forced to sell my home in order to be free from this covert narcissist. I had shared this story of my Nile swim experience with a sister-friend.   She listened intently and then responded, “So, I get it, you got out of denial.” 

De-nial! 

De-Nile!

It made me laugh and laugh and laugh! Ahh…how precious are those moments when you can see the cosmic humor of these dark nights of the soul.

My journey of healing from narcissist abuse of my ex continued for years. And during those years, I had to go deep deep inside and find all the parts of myself that I had not claimed. These unclaimed parts are exactly how a covert narcissist will aim to manipulate. It has been a steep learning curve and one that has completely transformed my life.

It was a slow rise, but the Phoenix is on her way.

Maari Falsetto